Personal Mental Clarity, Addiction and the Internet

For the last few decades I have had at my fingertips some of the finest thoughts and guidance ever produced by the human mind. From time to time I turn to the words of ancient Taoists and Buddhists, contemplate them and relate them to the situations and challenges I face in my day to day life. I was fortunate enough to walk alongside Sifu Richard Tsim and his disciples for nearly fifteen years. While doing that, I came to experience first hand the powerful application of ancient principles to modern life. One of my greatest regrets in life is the relatively short amount of time I have spent practicing and implementing this knowledge.

As Lao Tzu said of the Way "A wise person hears of it and practices it diligently.  An average person hears of it and practices it from time to time.  A fool hears of it and falls apart laughing."

I am at best an average person.

As much as society seems to change, human beings remain more or less the same. Good is still good. Evil is still evil. Right is right and wrong is wrong. There will always be those who are able to adhere more closely to good, as easily as there will be others drawn inextricably into the grasp of evil. Most of us will linger in the middle, shifting from side to side as the situation, expectations or whims dictate.

 I have found the I-Ching to be an extremely poignant and useful resource to help me collect my thoughts. Whenever I can be honest with myself about what is on my mind, what my true struggles are, what is occupying most of my thoughts... I find that I can consult the I-Ching and find the guidance to help me break through into the realm of mental clarity. I am able to use it hone my intentions to remain aligned with the positive path.

 Once again, I have gotten sober. It has been almost a month since I last had any alcohol or smoked any pot. Other than caffeine (and sugar), I am avoiding any substances that I have previously consumed to cloud my mind or change my physiology. And it is a serious struggle. For the last few days, I have seriously wanted a beer. A margarita would be nice too. I have not thought about smoking pot more than once, but I can almost guarantee that if I were to drink, the pot would follow in short order.

 I do not feel as if my addiction is much different than the addiction others face. There is a very strong social component for me. I struggled to socialize and be accepted as a kid. Drugs and alcohol helped me overcome the social anxiety. After a while, it was not as if I "needed" to be high or buzzed to socialize, but that the only social activities that I could rely on involved bars, clubs or parties. There was also the escapism of it all, the easily accessible euphoria and good feelings. The way that substances seemed to amplify otherwise normally boring experiences, like watching movies or playing video games.

 More than substances, my strongest addiction is to the computer. To the internet. From a young age, even before I was teenager, most of my socialization revolved around computers. Then online bulletin boards. In the early 1990s it was the internet. These days it is Facebook, and Instagram. The computer has been my escape from the stresses of "real life", a place where I can escape into increasingly realistic, make believe worlds. Even social networks are being tuned to present content that we agree with, or are drawn to. Content that will push buttons and elicit responses.

 So as I found myself moving away from alcohol and pot over the last few weeks, I am spending more time on the internet. I am arguing more and searching out more content to interact with. I am seeking that buzz, that social hit. And in my case, it is negative attention. It is ego driven. Needing to feel superior to others, by pointing out flaws in their logic or their own hypocrisies. It is driven by the need to feel involved, the larger and less likely I am able to affect the issue, the better. National politics? Geopolitical struggles? The unsolvable challenges of religious conflict? Yes, yes, and yes! Bring it on. Let me tell you how /I KNOW/ it should all be solved!

 And so I find myself threatening to relapse. For me, sobering up has never really been all that difficult. I do not really want to stay high. I do not really want to drink every day. I feel guilty about the way it makes me feel physically. Recently I have come to accept how grumpy, irritable and unpleasant to be around I am when I'm not getting enough sleep due to night after night of staying up late and not working out.

I can talk myself into getting sober. For a couple of days. A week here or there. I was sober for over a year while training for my red sash test at the temple. The challenge for me has always been finding new and better habits. Training martial arts is great, but it is physically demanding and I do not want to do it every single night. Contemplating philosophy is fun, but I can only do that for so many days in a row. Meditation is wonderful, but after an hour or so, it's time to find something else to do. I feel blessed to have Sarah and Erika. Lord knows that I can occupy plenty of time being with them. Bowling is on the agenda, but again, that's not really designed to be a constant thing.

 At this point, all I know is that I need to add Facebook to the list with alcohol and pot. While I believe that it could be a useful platform to spread positivity and enlightenment, for the most part I seem to be feeding it negativity and conflict. Until I move away from those behaviors and whatever drives them, I need to move away from the venues where I engage in them.

What does all of this have to do with ancient wisdom and the I-Ching?

The coins gave me the hexagram for Lu / The Wanderer. A stranger in a strange land. My strange land is sobriety. I must be cautious not to fall in with the wrong people or hang out in dangerous places. This puts me in mind of my inclinations to take on the problems of the government and society, in a time of great conflict and upheaval in both our nation and the world. The hexagram advises to "not disturb the inward because of the outward". Again, my own inner peace and sobriety are new and fragile, yet I still focus on the news and the latest problems in the world. Instead, the I-Ching advises acceptance and cultivation of tranquility. See things for what they are, and let them be just that.

Perhaps most interesting, the hexagram mentions that the state is transitory. The Wanderer is simply passing through. In my case, sobriety is not the end state. It will not be my life long struggle or the plateau that I remain on. It is simply a single element of what is right. Of being clear headed and able to deal with life as it is.

As often happens, the I-Ching presented what is called a changing hexagram. A second hexagram, that influences the understanding of the first. In this case, it was The Cauldron. The Cauldron is a vessel in which a material is refined. In Taoism, the cauldron can be the body, or even the mind in which the spirit and person are forged and refined. Ultimately, we are blessed with this life and given the opportunity to work on ourselves. And perhaps, to assist a few others in their own times of need. And so with the guidance of the I-Ching and the mish mash of my inner thoughts and dialogue, intention became manifest...

"Resting in the highest good, maintaining sobriety and good health. Focusing my actions on helping others, upholding truth and repudiating negativity in my own thoughts and actions. These are my intentions and they will continue to blossom in the fertile soil of my willpower. I am on the right path."

How much a year changes things

I rarely blog, in fact the last time I took the time to share some thoughts was over a year ago. I just re-read that post, and it helps put time in perspective. When I wrote my last post, I was feeling disempowered and unable to act as a change agent. Now I have been promoted, have one direct report to help me out and will have another in a month or two. People are listening to my ideas and because of that, I am being given the opportunity to put those ideas into action.

What does this have to do with walking the path and enlightenment? The I-Ching councils to know when to push and even more importantly, when to step back and let things progress at their own pace. Lao Tzu touts the power of inaction.

In the context of work, I put my ideas out there to people in positions to consider them. Most importantly, I kept my focus on the future and stayed focus on suggesting solutions to challenges that OTHER PEOPLE were facing. I took myself out of it, and focused on what the organization needed. I pointed out where potential problems lurked, and sure enough, given enough time, those problems materialized. The people who failed to act upon those problems are no longer with the company, and now I have shifted into the position to pick up where they failed. Most importantly though, I did not give into the urge to say "I told you so."

Work and life balance are important. Work hard, work diligently and drive to do the right thing, no matter how unpopular it might seem. Yet at the same time, have a life. Have something going on besides work to step into. It is much easier to be patient when you can focus your mind upon other endeavors.

How do I not care?

I find my ego yanking at the leash, and I am not sure how to quiet it. I feel the need to control things at work, and am seriously stressed about the lack of control. The decisions (and indecisions) of others, have a direct impact on the amount of work that I need to do, and on my ability to do my job well. I require approval from others for resources and for information, guidance about where the company is going.

As the IT guy, at the end of the day it comes down to me to keep the systems online. The systems I am responsible for generate, literally, millions of dollars in revenue a month. Downtime is a BIG DEAL. The systems hold data that is being used in litigation and large scale investigations that involve staggering amounts of risk.

I see those above me making bad decisions that are making my life hard, and are putting the company at risk. I do not believe that I have the necessary clout to put my points out there to be considered. It is frustrating and stressful.

I want to let go. I want to not care. Yet I cannot. I am being paid because I care. I have my job because I know what needs to be done. I wish that I could just watch it crash and burn, but I am not that kind of person.

Yet I do not know how to move forward. I feel as if my communication style comes off as abrassive. It is weak to be the person who whines all the time, the person who points out the problems. I want to point out the problem, and the solution.. but I do not believe I am empowered to do that.

I, I, I... me me me... EGO, EGO, EGO.

I am too attached to the paycheck. Too attached to the future. Too vested in the outcomes. Bah... maybe I should just open a temple and teach tai chi. At least at the end of those days I would know that I made a positive contribution.

Money, what is really going on with it?

I find that I spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about money and economics and trying to understand what is really happening in the world of finance. It all started in the middle of the 21st century when I saw the real estate market bubbling up. I had never been aware of a bubble before, and at first I did not realize that the real estate market was a bubble. All I knew is that homes were getting more and more expensive, and I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to be able to afford one.

We all know what happened to the real estate market, and it turns out that the real estate bubble was just another mis-allocation of money. My curiosity was piqued so I set about trying to understand what happened. To this day, I still do not completely get it, and that is what this blog post is about. I am hoping that others might understand and be able to offer me some insights.

The real estate bubble, like the tech bubble before it was the result of the Federal Reserve making too much credit and "money" available to the world. After the tech bubble (the "dot com boom and bust") imploded in the early 2000s, the Federal Reserve and the United States government had a problem on their hands. This is where I believe the problem started. And this is what I need to understand.

As of late, I have been getting the sense that "money" on one level represents control. It represents the collective will of a few powerful interests. Now without going too far into conspiracy theories, it does not seem at all implausible that there are groups out there with access to resources who feel that they know what is best for everyone else in the world. Using the banks, the Federal Reserve and the United States government as fronts, they set about guiding the world for what they believe is the best.

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, it was decided that a global information system was needed. Resources were poured into the technology sector and many great technologies were invented. Stock prices went through the roof and lots of people made "money", but in the end the bubble burst. The technology companies served their uses and then the funding was withdrawn. At the end of the bubble, companies with no business plans were getting millions of dollars in funding based on the buzz around "the internet" and "technology". At that point it was too late. All of the big, important ideas had been invented and the resources needed to be moved.

It might be hard for some people to fathom, but there are a limited amount of resources on the planet. There is only so much food, so many raw materials, so much fuel, etc. At some point, money has to be tied to resources. That is what inflation is about. When too much money is printed, resources become too expensive. At some point, if resources become too too expensive, then society begins to break down because people cannot afford what they need to live. A balancing act is required. There needs to be enough money channeled into essential sectors to attract intelligent, capable people to perform the work that needs to be done. But, not everyone can earn a million plus dollars a year because then gas will be $250 a gallon and bread will be $50 a loaf.

It is said that the dot com crash destroyed $5 trillion dollars in equity. Likewise, it has been said that trillions of dollars could be lost as a result of the housing bubble. (http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=newsarchive&sid=amTFyi_htQvI)

So what is going on? We have trillions of dollars appearing and disappearing. In each cycle resources are allocated to a specific cause. First it was technology and the United States, and the world developed the internet and improved communications. Then it was the housing bubble, and millions of new homes were built. In 2005 alone, over 1.2 million new homes were sold.

I don't know. I need to put more thought into this. I think it's heading toward one world currency and a global financial reset. It has to get to the point where every country holds so much bad debt from every other country, that everyone can agree that it is too complex to sort everything out and the best way to move forward is to agree to forgive all debt... or, to roll over all debt into loans issued in a new currency.

Physio-Spiritual Resource Groups

Role-centric resource for neighborhoods of all shapes and sizes.

Gardener - Botanist - Agriculture Focused Individual
Provides self sustaining food foundation for...

Physical trainer - adept - spiritual guide unifying body, fed by Gardener's food, teaching the community

Psychologist - Behavioralist - Economic Guide
Guidance for healthy activities, community outreach, encouraging support of garden to help perpetuate cycle.

Sales Staff -
Sells excess food to the community.
Providing spiritual guidance / practices to the community.

Restaurant - Meal assistance classes. Ingredients provided, community building. Entry fee = Food (base ingredient for recipe of the day)


Garden / Restaurant / Physical movement space - probably already conceived of, templates available? Cost per sq/ft?

Work to Wealth services. Grants for Gardening. HUD / Section8.


-- Scalability. How many resources required to sustain "full group" of X number of roles.

World wide sadness and sharing our blessings

I think the sadness of the world just caught up with me today. I have been on the edge of tears, filled with this sense of compassion for the world, yet frustrated and sad by not being able to do anything about it. I am speaking generally of the great unrest taking place in the world right now. In Syria, the government has turned on the people and is violently repressing them. In London, riots just flared up and old social wounds were ripped open as racial prejudices between the police and the community were once again brought to the forefront. In Somalia people are starving. There are people leaving their families, and never coming home again as the cruel twists of fate make any given day their last.

As sad as things are in the world, I feel fortunate to live where I do. In America we know peace. There are not tanks rolling through the streets killing my family, and I have access to ample food and shelter. Even as our economy teeters on the brink of serious problems, I look around and see prosperity and opportunity.

I truly believe that on a higher level, the people of this planet are all connected. We share in the struggles, and on the opposite side of the coin, should also be able to share in the good things as well. Anyone who has had any experience with distance healing / reiki knows the power of a spirit focused with positive intention.

I write these words here to propose good deeds. I propose that those of us who are blessed with even a few moments of peace and tranquility, share those moments with others who are not. As we lay in bed at night and get ready to sleep, as we are there in our safe homes, having been able to spend the day more or less as we wanted to... as we have full belly's, recent memories of good times with friends and family, and the luxury of spending a few mindful moments relaxing the conscious energies and drifting off to sleep. There in moments like those, we can share them with the world. The sense that we feel, the emotions that are the energy of our lives, we can use our minds and bodies like tuning forks of positivity, allowing those energies to flow out to where they are needed most.

Pick a place on the globe where you know there are problems. Or perhaps just pick a negative emotion that you know others are feeling... distress, fear, etc. Allow the goodness that you are in, the relaxed state of being able to sleep peacefully.. allow it to grow from you.. project it, and share it with others. Beam it up toward the sky. Send it out through the walls and across the oceans. Let your exhalations bring peace and tranquility to the world.

As the earth travels through the universe and orbits the sun, as the planet spins upon its axis, the ritual of day passing into night, and night becoming day repeats itself. As some are drifting off to sleep, others are beginning their day... and yet others are in the middle of their days, facing challenges, trials and tribulations that most of us cannot even conceive of, and with many blessings... might be able to make it through our life times without having to face. Those people need all of the positive thoughts, and love and compassion and tranquility that we can manifest. Let us be good to each other, even those whom we might not "know".

Let us count our blessings when we are aware of them. Let us be compassionate with each other. Even a few moments of positive intention can make a literal world of difference.

Politically Incorrect Welfare Rant

America needs to seriously reform the welfare system. There are sizeable portions of the population whose entire aspirations in life involve getting qualified for either General Relief or Social Security Insurance payments. They are content to take to their EBT coupons and subsist on whatever the government can tax the productive members of society for. Welfare should be a supplement. Welfare should be a government match against hours worked. The hours worked can be community service for all I care. But people need to contribute to their communities if they want the state to tax people with jobs to support them. Maybe I'm a bit bitter from riding through the train South Central LA every day, but the system is broken.

As long as I'm ranting, they need to modify the welfare system and deny payments to felons and their children. That would go a long way to dealing with the "baby daddy" syndrome of stupid girls letting themselves get knocked up by the most alpha, ghetto hood thugs they can find. All of a sudden the baby of a gangster won't be a free ticket to hundreds of dollars a month and a free place to live. Require a paternity test and a valid identify for the father of the child. The government needs to start holding the people that they support accountable for the choices those people make about how they live their lives. I'm sick and tired of seeing my tax dollars disappearing into the bottomless pit that is the ghetto.