Personal Mental Clarity, Addiction and the Internet

For the last few decades I have had at my fingertips some of the finest thoughts and guidance ever produced by the human mind. From time to time I turn to the words of ancient Taoists and Buddhists, contemplate them and relate them to the situations and challenges I face in my day to day life. I was fortunate enough to walk alongside Sifu Richard Tsim and his disciples for nearly fifteen years. While doing that, I came to experience first hand the powerful application of ancient principles to modern life. One of my greatest regrets in life is the relatively short amount of time I have spent practicing and implementing this knowledge.

As Lao Tzu said of the Way "A wise person hears of it and practices it diligently.  An average person hears of it and practices it from time to time.  A fool hears of it and falls apart laughing."

I am at best an average person.

As much as society seems to change, human beings remain more or less the same. Good is still good. Evil is still evil. Right is right and wrong is wrong. There will always be those who are able to adhere more closely to good, as easily as there will be others drawn inextricably into the grasp of evil. Most of us will linger in the middle, shifting from side to side as the situation, expectations or whims dictate.

 I have found the I-Ching to be an extremely poignant and useful resource to help me collect my thoughts. Whenever I can be honest with myself about what is on my mind, what my true struggles are, what is occupying most of my thoughts... I find that I can consult the I-Ching and find the guidance to help me break through into the realm of mental clarity. I am able to use it hone my intentions to remain aligned with the positive path.

 Once again, I have gotten sober. It has been almost a month since I last had any alcohol or smoked any pot. Other than caffeine (and sugar), I am avoiding any substances that I have previously consumed to cloud my mind or change my physiology. And it is a serious struggle. For the last few days, I have seriously wanted a beer. A margarita would be nice too. I have not thought about smoking pot more than once, but I can almost guarantee that if I were to drink, the pot would follow in short order.

 I do not feel as if my addiction is much different than the addiction others face. There is a very strong social component for me. I struggled to socialize and be accepted as a kid. Drugs and alcohol helped me overcome the social anxiety. After a while, it was not as if I "needed" to be high or buzzed to socialize, but that the only social activities that I could rely on involved bars, clubs or parties. There was also the escapism of it all, the easily accessible euphoria and good feelings. The way that substances seemed to amplify otherwise normally boring experiences, like watching movies or playing video games.

 More than substances, my strongest addiction is to the computer. To the internet. From a young age, even before I was teenager, most of my socialization revolved around computers. Then online bulletin boards. In the early 1990s it was the internet. These days it is Facebook, and Instagram. The computer has been my escape from the stresses of "real life", a place where I can escape into increasingly realistic, make believe worlds. Even social networks are being tuned to present content that we agree with, or are drawn to. Content that will push buttons and elicit responses.

 So as I found myself moving away from alcohol and pot over the last few weeks, I am spending more time on the internet. I am arguing more and searching out more content to interact with. I am seeking that buzz, that social hit. And in my case, it is negative attention. It is ego driven. Needing to feel superior to others, by pointing out flaws in their logic or their own hypocrisies. It is driven by the need to feel involved, the larger and less likely I am able to affect the issue, the better. National politics? Geopolitical struggles? The unsolvable challenges of religious conflict? Yes, yes, and yes! Bring it on. Let me tell you how /I KNOW/ it should all be solved!

 And so I find myself threatening to relapse. For me, sobering up has never really been all that difficult. I do not really want to stay high. I do not really want to drink every day. I feel guilty about the way it makes me feel physically. Recently I have come to accept how grumpy, irritable and unpleasant to be around I am when I'm not getting enough sleep due to night after night of staying up late and not working out.

I can talk myself into getting sober. For a couple of days. A week here or there. I was sober for over a year while training for my red sash test at the temple. The challenge for me has always been finding new and better habits. Training martial arts is great, but it is physically demanding and I do not want to do it every single night. Contemplating philosophy is fun, but I can only do that for so many days in a row. Meditation is wonderful, but after an hour or so, it's time to find something else to do. I feel blessed to have Sarah and Erika. Lord knows that I can occupy plenty of time being with them. Bowling is on the agenda, but again, that's not really designed to be a constant thing.

 At this point, all I know is that I need to add Facebook to the list with alcohol and pot. While I believe that it could be a useful platform to spread positivity and enlightenment, for the most part I seem to be feeding it negativity and conflict. Until I move away from those behaviors and whatever drives them, I need to move away from the venues where I engage in them.

What does all of this have to do with ancient wisdom and the I-Ching?

The coins gave me the hexagram for Lu / The Wanderer. A stranger in a strange land. My strange land is sobriety. I must be cautious not to fall in with the wrong people or hang out in dangerous places. This puts me in mind of my inclinations to take on the problems of the government and society, in a time of great conflict and upheaval in both our nation and the world. The hexagram advises to "not disturb the inward because of the outward". Again, my own inner peace and sobriety are new and fragile, yet I still focus on the news and the latest problems in the world. Instead, the I-Ching advises acceptance and cultivation of tranquility. See things for what they are, and let them be just that.

Perhaps most interesting, the hexagram mentions that the state is transitory. The Wanderer is simply passing through. In my case, sobriety is not the end state. It will not be my life long struggle or the plateau that I remain on. It is simply a single element of what is right. Of being clear headed and able to deal with life as it is.

As often happens, the I-Ching presented what is called a changing hexagram. A second hexagram, that influences the understanding of the first. In this case, it was The Cauldron. The Cauldron is a vessel in which a material is refined. In Taoism, the cauldron can be the body, or even the mind in which the spirit and person are forged and refined. Ultimately, we are blessed with this life and given the opportunity to work on ourselves. And perhaps, to assist a few others in their own times of need. And so with the guidance of the I-Ching and the mish mash of my inner thoughts and dialogue, intention became manifest...

"Resting in the highest good, maintaining sobriety and good health. Focusing my actions on helping others, upholding truth and repudiating negativity in my own thoughts and actions. These are my intentions and they will continue to blossom in the fertile soil of my willpower. I am on the right path."